It's Christmas day, a perfect day to sit here and update my blog. It's been seven months since I made an entry. After all there was really no reason to. Life continues to move forward and that in it self is a great thing. I am still working my contract job, and recently got a raise. Though it's not enough income to get me into an apartment, the job has helped me to improve my life and move me forward to the time when I can finally get out of my storage unit.
I continue to pay off debits and make my car payments, insurance and other bills. Though I don't have enough to pay for health insurance as mandated in the Health Care Act. But, that's ok. I removed myself from the food stamp program as I really wanted to release a negative item that I felt only kept me pinned down, restricted in my income situation. While I can't cook a meal in my unit, I am still able to focus on eating properly, and to that fact, I've gained 25 lbs of fat...not what I had anticipated happening, but I do love my sweet foods.
While I sit here writing this, I am reminded that this is the season for Children. They get to have time with family and to receive gifts. For those older and wiser people, we recognize that Christmas is a time of birth, not just that of the Christian Jesus, but of our selves and of the world. Many celebrate this period by celebrating Winter Solstice, or by celebrating New Years. It really doesn't matter what the celebration is, but to truly recognize that it is a time that you can review the past, and celebrate the future.
When I was in my late 20's, I went to a person who was doing a Past Life Regression. A session where you can go back in life, or past lives to hopefully see why you are in this world at this time. In this case, we had done the past very briefly, but most of the time ended up being on a future event: My Death.
That experience that I saw for myself, with no guidance or direction from the person there with me, has lasted with me all these years. And now, I am a year away from that time period that I believe I will die...murdered to be exact. I will not go into the details of what I saw, for one simple reason...it may not happen. It may not even be a physical death at all, but a death of the past...letting go of what has kept me bound to certain parts and acts in my life. To that extent, is why I am brining it up in this blog.
What I saw over 30 years ago may or may not happen. But because I held onto that thought, that possibility, I know I did and did not do things because of that. I allowed a vision to control my life. Thus, as of today, I allowed something that happened in the past to make me who I am today. Maybe that was intended, maybe not. But the fear of dying was prevalent in my life ever since.
The one thing I have learned during my life time is that you NEVER know when you will die. My mother was run over by a bus. Too many friends have died of AIDS or Cancer. I myself was in a car accident that took another's life. We just don't know when we will die, nor should we. We should instead focus on the moment that life is presenting us.
Has I have written many times, I did not expect to be homeless, nor to be homeless now for over two years. But I am. I had to deal with the frustration and the anger associated with what brought me to that point. But I also had to recognize that I was blessed at the same time. To this day, I see many people worst off then I am. I see my life continuously improving, and at the same time, I am able to help others improve their lives too through my non profit organizations. I AM BLESSED! I am also blessed that I can continue to be optimistic of my future, even if it's a day more, or twenty years more. I am blessed that I can live each day that I have working and enjoying what I can do. Sure, I contemplate that I could be doing so much more if things were different. Instead, I work towards making things different and not just for myself.
On my birthday last month, I was having a really rough week, one of the worst weeks all year it seemed. But that ended up being my best week of the year. A gift from a friend had turned everything around for me that week, and reminded me of how blessed I am. It was an unexpected and greatly appreciated gift that brought me to tears, even now as I write this I tear up. I can not express enough to him what it meant, but I believe he knows it.
So, for me to languish in the self pity of where I am, that being homeless. I can instead celebrate the blessings I have and to continue to move forward not just for myself, but for everyone who's life I touch. I can not allow a vision to determine my future, or to create fear. I must constantly remind myself that I am part of a larger piece, a part of a Universal plan. A plan, that as far as I am concerned is to help improve the lives of all involved.
Time will tell, and until then...may you also be reminded of your blessings and don't let the past rule your life. Live in the moment!
Life goes on...I go on.