Romantic Frustration Continues

Over Easter weekend I was out and about helping some friends at a fundraiser.  During this time, I had the pleasure of meeting a person.  I really had not thought much of it simply because we were both busy doing our thing, but it was clear that we had an attraction to each other.  I gave them my business card and a kiss goodbye as I was leaving the bar and let the thought flow to the back of my mind as ‘that was nice.’

The following Monday I received a text from him.  I was surprised and pleased by the gesture.  We started to chat then and continued on to Thursday, when we decided to meet up for a brief time due to their schedule.  It was a fun brief few minutes.  There are a lot of things I like about the person and I could see myself wanting to learn more about them and to grow into something if it’s meant to be.  However, that nagging thought came back to me.  I’m homeless!

That single thought can truly ruin any hopes for romance of any type.  Do I bother to spend the time to get to know them and to develop something, or do I stop it in its tracks.  Sooner or later I will have to tell them and they will act in one of two ways…freak out and disappear as so many have done, or say it’s cool and remain friends, but nothing else.

I can’t blame them for not wanting to get involved with someone who is homeless. After all, it’s not saying much for who they are.  I mean really, how could someone end up homeless, right?  If you have been reading my blog you know how it happened.  And that’s what the real aspect is, it happened and I am homeless.

What is frustrating for me is that I feel I have to cut myself off from friends and possibly romantic interest because of my situation.  When people don’t know what is going on with me, they are pleasant and kind, acting as if I am a normal person.  Don’t get me wrong, there are a hand full of people who are being supportive and I AM Grateful for them.  It does keep my hopes for human kindness alive.  But, there are those who do act differently because I am in my situation.  I get it, I understand.

Thus, the continuing dilemma: Do I say something now and let it end?  Do I keep going without saying anything in the hopes of something developing, which could then fall apart when they do find out?  Do I act normal as if nothing out of the ordinary is happening?  I do my best to be myself as much as I can and I hope they enjoy me for who I am.  In time we will see what happens.

Life goes on…I go on

Romantic Frustration

Being homeless just plain and simply put, SUCKS! For the past few months I have meet a lot of people who have wanted to get to know me on an intimate level and yet I really can't allow that to a point. First off, I don't share with many people that I am homeless, it's not something you really want to brag about. Secondly, as I have mentioned before in these postings, it's not like I can invite someone back to my storage unit for dinner, a romp in the hey, or anything. Thus, I have consciously set up road blocks to keep people at a distance and I hate it. I feel almost like I am lying to people.

SXSW was a perfect example of that. I had meet three people that I found interesting and attractive, and I could not tell any of them what my situation was, other then I had a roommate and the two of us agreed to not bring people home. Thus, for various reasons they couldn't invite me back to their place, so the opportunity to spend time with them and to get to know them was pretty much lost.

After one of them left town, I did send them my blog information and I never heard back from them again. I did try contacting them in general and not about the blog, still no response. Granted that is typical of out of towners, you don't usually develop much more after they leave town, but still, it is frustrating to share that part of your life only to be rejected.

As for the local's, its worst. You can see them on a more regular basis, and I do want to get to know people, but again...that aspect that I can't or don't want to tell them for fear of losing an opportunity to know someone, etc.

There have been rare occasions that I have meet someone and they fully understood my situation and still continue to be friends, and even offered limited help. I am truly grateful for them and I look forward to developing a friendship with.

But as for a love life, a companion of sorts, I am not seeing that and it is frustrating and disappointing!

Life goes on...I go on.

Wishing you a Wonderful New Year

 2012 is now upon us and depending on who you listen to, 2012 will be our last year of existence as we know it.   The Mayan’s whose calendar system has been the most accurate in history simply says that on December 21, 2012 their calendar cycle ends and a new one begins.  I am leaning towards that line of thought.

Each New Years day begins a year full of opportunity and hope and this one is no different.  We are going through many changes and challenges as seen in 2011.  Do your best to keep fear at bay so you can enjoy all the wonders this New Year will offer you, even when it seems to be your darkest hour.  Allow your hope, faith and love to guide you this year through your journey.

While you may not know where your journey is taking you, know that there is a purpose for the journey and know without a doubt you will be a better person for it.

May you and your loved ones all have a Wonderful Life in 2012.

12-1-11 Update

Howdy;

Ok, I've got to vent, so bare with me.

This morning I was checking my emails and saw an email from one of my authors who did something they had absolutely NO right to do.  They were not trying to help me, only themselves and now it has cost ME to loose up to $2,500.  What the F....!!!!

First off, why couldn't this person be patient and allow for the process to run its course?  Why couldn't this person contact me first before they did what he did?  Finally, he had brought the issue up to me and I told him I would take care of it, which I was and which there was much more to what was going on then he was aware of, so why didn't he just back off and let me take care of it?

I get that we want our books to do well, but at what cost?  This stunt has set me back again and I'm so tired of it.  He's the 4th author who thinks they know how to run my business with absolute no respect for what I am doing.  I'm over it.  I advised him that he had until December 10th to buy out his contract and I advised him how much it would cost, which was a very low price for what it would cost him in court for this screw up of his.

I want to be VERY clear here, I am not homeless by choice!  I want to live in a house or an apt that is mine, that I can enjoy the comforts that my authors are currently enjoying.  I ended up being homeless because I believe in my business and in my authors works enough to put myself on the back burner to help make sure that their books get sold.  Not because I enjoy sleeping in a storage unit or on a park bench!

When this type of crap happens, it doesn't just effect me, it effects every other author that works with me and it's not fair to them or to myself!  Yes, if you haven't gathered by now I am SUPPER PISSED!  It's shit like this that added to me loosing $100,000 and I will NOT put up with it anymore.

With that said...

Life goes on...I go on.

11-28-11 Homeless Update

One of my fears that I deal with pretty much on a daily basis at my storage unit is being found out.  The last thing I need is to be discovered that I am living in it.  On Sunday, I had that feeling of anxiety heightened way too high.  As I was working away on my pc doing business items, a person arrived and went to their storage unit.  It was directly across from mine, and my electrical cord was sticking out and plugged into the storage units box.  I was hoping they would be quick to get into their unit and go home, but that was not the case.  They actually had two units, and they were both near mine.  I sat there as quietly as I could waiting for them to leave, but after a good half hour of being on pins and needles, I finally gave in and got ready to leave for my earn that I had planned that afternoon, way too early to do it, but better than sitting there nervous.

I have no clue if one of these unit renters is going to say something to the staff one day; I pray they don’t, but that fear is ever so present these days.  I try as hard as I can to be there after the staff leaves, which sometimes I am surprised to arrive well after I think they should have left only to find them still there. 

The Holidays sales for our books resulted in NO books being sold this past weekend.  It hurts me to see that for I not only receive some money from the sale, but the author’s also don’t receive money and we ALL need the money.  I’m not sure what I can do considering I don’t have the money to advertise the company or the individual books.  I have scheduled a fund raiser book sale at a local bar for a local charity, but I honestly don’t know how that will work out.

In the mean time, I still have manuscripts coming in to me by people who wish to get published, and while I want to continue to move forward, I honestly just don’t know if I should take on any more authors at this time.  It’s that negative feeling that keeps working its way into my mind and I get so frustrated with it, but I just don’t see a clear way to getting out of my current situation and to move the company safely forward.

It was great to see that Holidays sales in general were way above expectations across America, but I am also concerned at how the sales will finish out.  I believe so many people thought they were getting great deals on Black Friday and Cyber Monday, that when the dust settles down in early January, they will see that the Holiday sales were not what they expected.  Again, it’s that negative side of my brain popping up…HELP!

Life goes on…I go on

11-8-11 Causes of my Homelessness

In my earlier postings I mentioned that there were five main issues that brought me to this point in my life.  So far, I have discussed Politics, Criminal Record and the inability to find a job.  Now it’s time for to get a little personal.

I am not a very patient person on a lot of levels and this has clearly caused me to push many things along.  That in of itself can be good and bad.

The good aspect is that I keep things moving along through deadlines, goal setting, etc.  When I set those deadlines, I do expect them to be met and I therefore plan accordingly for sales revenue or expenditures to be reached.  At first, I didn’t have much space in my deadlines for things to happen and that cost me dearly on many levels.  I have since eased back a bit and built in extra time for emergency or failures to deliver.

The bad side of being impatient is pushing things along a bit too fast and too hard.  While things do get done, I have actually wasted money by not going slower and in some cases double checked the work, wither mine or someone else’s.

On the issue of being impatient, I have grown tremendously.  I do plan for things to happen down the road, but I allow for more time to make it happen.  It does not always save me from losing money, as this Holiday season has already proven.  But, I at least have not lost as much money as I would have, if I had pushed through it.  It should be noted that the lost of money for Holiday 2011 rest squarely on the fact of not having the funds to do the project completely.

Here is another issue that can be both positive and negative that has contributed to my current situation.  My lack of concern as to what people think of me.  For the positive aspect, I tell people what I think good or bad.  I DO NOT sugar coat it, or dress it up.  It is blunt.  While, blunt, I am of a loving nature, so I don’t always say things out o hatred or anger, though I have been pushed to that point by a small number of people.  So while I am blunt, I don’t believe that I am rude and crude.  With that said, this again can go both ways.

On the positive side, people know what to expect from me and that will be blunt honesty.  And while that may be shocking to them, they do appreciate it.

For the negative aspect, there are a lot of people whose feelings are too raw and they cannot handle the bluntness, the honesty of what I say. They do need to have it sugar coated.  I apologies to them, but I am not your therapist and I don’t have time to waste trying to figure out who can and cannot handle me.  Furthermore, I am not going to waste your time and mine by dancing around the subject.  Your time is as valuable as mine, why waste it?

I have no doubt people will have a lot of other comments to say about me, I really don’t care.  I’ve learned the hard way, you will always have the “Haters” and their thoughts are usually self-absorbed concepts full of BS.  This is why I don’t care what people think of me.

Now, I will be clear here that I am not a saint and I have harmed people, some intentionally, most by accident.  I have just as equally contributed to my situation as the other four aspects have.  No one single attribute carry’s all the weight and responsibility for my homelessness.  But, it is also clear, that altering and improving one or two would clearly address, if not correct my situation.  Time will tell if that happens.

Life goes on…I go on.

11-2-11 Create Jobs for the USA

On Nov. 1^st, Starbucks launched its program to help get Americans back to work.  I had posted about it, but forgot to add a link and a pic of my solidarity for the program.  Thus, here is the link to learn more about the program: http://www.createjobsforusa.org/

Here is a pic of myself wearing the bracelet.

Life goes on…I go on.

11-2-11 Despair

It is amazing how easy it is to get caught up in a routine that is not healthy or productive when one is homeless.

I have currently two major objectives in my life.  Keep my business alive and don’t get caught sleeping in my storage unit.  I also have other objectives that fall under the top tow, these are: get a job, stay healthy and sane, and use my time as wisely as possible.  And yet, I find myself wondering what the hell is going on.  I am so consumed at times with my time and how to use it up; I seem to forget other issues.

I latterly shook my head last night while I was at the cheap hotel wondering, “Why am I still in this position?”  Am I becoming like so many other homeless people that get so distraught that they give up?  I sincerely hope not.  But, as I keep dealing with this and not seeing any progress to reversing my situation, I am ever so slowly becoming disfranchised.

Here is an example:  Starbucks has launched a program to help get people back to work.  I even went out and donated to the cause.  As I investigate it further to see how my business my benefit from it, I immediately learned that for the next 3-6 months, I can’t.  Between the bankruptcy and the lack of sales, my company’s credit value is zero.  And yet, I need those funds, an investment, to turn that around.

Again, it goes back to the old saying, “If you have money, you can make money.”  Screw the hard work of myself and my authors & artist.  Screw the hundreds of thousands of dollars spent on building a business.  If you get caught up in a bad position such as I am, you are screwed even further!

Thus, I must keep thinking outside the box on creative ways to ring money in to pay bills, pay past debts, etc.

Ob a spiritual level, I understand that what energy I put out is what comes back.  It is so hard to remain positive e, hopeful and confident when you are slapped in the face on a regular basis.  This feeling of despair then enters my mind set of wither to keep the business alive.  Then I come back to the 100 or so people counting on me, plus the knowledge that what I am doing is RIGHT on a greater Universal aspect and this is NOT about ME!  If this is a classic fight of Good vs. Evil, I want to be on Good’s side and fight until I die.

Life goes on…I go on.

10-31-11 Occupy Politics

Earlier today, I went down to Occupy Austin to see what was happening with the organization considering the current arrest that has been made.   It is clear that the numbers are down, and that the moral is starting to sway a bit.  It is also clear that many people are more energized to keeping the movement alive.  While I talked with a couple of people it became clearer to me that they do need to take on a Political aspect to their movement.  I had posted on this subject earlier in the day.  Thus, the reason for this follow posting now.

Below is the beginning concept of what I feel needs to be created to keep the Occupy movement alive.  It is rough, and I am sure it needs some more feedback from those involved.  So, please feel free to email me at OccupyPolitics@live.com, or add your response here to my posting.

Life goes on…I go on

Occupy Politics

Occupy Politics is a grass roots organization born out of the Occupy protest movement.

Goal:

To be a clear voice for Middle America politics that clearly finds the middle ground of the Right and the Left to keep our country strong, vibrant and powerful on a global basis.

An Occupy congress is created first on a local city by city level, then by State level from those city organizations, then a National level by the state organizations.  Each entity is to be focused on the issues related to their local needs and desires, while then addressing it on a State and National level as needed.

To create an Occupy congress, participants within the individual Occupy movements will select one person from each of the follow categories:

Caucasian

Hispanic/Latino

African American/Black

Asian

Other Nationalities that are represented within their Occupy group as needed.

LeTs Bi Gay/Homosexual

Straight/Heterosexual

Male

Female

Democratic

Republican

Independent

Homeowner

Homeless

Income of less than 25,000

Income of $25,000 to $50,000

Income of $50,000 to $100,000

Income of over $100,000

A spokes person, a treasurer, a director and a Chairman will also be selected from the group.

It should be noted that on an ideal basis, one person should only represent one category, so that they may be able to focus on the concerns and issues for that group, thus not having their time & energy divided up by other category issues. 

It should also be noted that no one racial or ethnic group should have a majority of elected members.

The strength of the organization will cause the party leaders from political groups to respond to and work with Occupy Politics.  Furthermore, those seeking a political office will address gatherings of Occupy Politics within their area.

At NO time, will an Occupy Politics organization support in any manor via an endorsement, financial aid, financial gift, or an6y other form, a political group or person running for a politi9cal office.

8-31-11 Love

On Saturday I had the pleasure of attending a Halloween party.  During the event, I was flirted with by many people, as I also flirted.  It was a lot of fun and it was good for my ego.  However, there was one person that I had flirted with previously that said they would call, and had previously mentioned that they were in the middle of mid-terms.  I had posted about this person and another one previously.

Today, I post that I am still confused with some people.  This person was all over me that evening, and we said and did things that were fun.  I, however, was also very clear with what my feelings are for this person, and while they seem to reciprocate, it also seemed later after not hearing from them, that they are all talk and no action.  This really sucks!  We all put ourselves out there at some time, and most of the time, it does not work.  But, why can’t people be honest with themselves and others?

I am at the point that I really can’t date anyone, as I had mentioned before, I can’t really see myself inviting someone back to my storage unit for a sleep over, or dinner.  Plus, the money is not there.  Let’s face it; it’s not cheap to date these days…lol.

But, at the same time, I want to be clear about my feelings, so that if they are interested in some extent, then they will either work with it, or if they are not interested, then say no.  But to act and to say things that lead a person on is just not right.

The other issue is also where I meet people.  Let’s face it; there are not many good healthy places to meet people these days.  Bar’s and friends are about it.  Friends mean well, but they really don’t know you enough to select your future spouse.  Bar’s are about drinking and one night stands more than about meeting your future spouse.  So, you go on with life, and meet people in various places, not sure if you can really flirt with them for you don’t know if they are married, seeing someone, etc.  And then you run into those who want a sexual encounter, but not a romance, that’s another headache all together.

On a spiritual level, yeah, I know, the person that I have chosen to be with will come when we have chosen it to happen.  Until then, I really shouldn’t get frustrated and annoyed, but just enjoy everyone I meet.

Life goes on…I go on.

10-12-11 #3

I saw my old roommate recently, the one who forced me out on to the streets and he asked me if anything had changed.  I held my tongue as I really wanted to say something like: “Are you Fu…ing crazy?  You trough me out to the streets, of course nothing changed!”  But I didn’t say it; instead, I smiled and simply said no.

I am real curious to understand what his thought process is or was at the time he threw me out.  Did he really expect that by forcing me out, I would magically get a job?  Or a friend of mine would allow me to move in with them?  Did he forget that I barely know anyone here and that the same issues exist for finding a job then as it does now.  It is actually harder due to the additional limits on PC access, etc.  So why would things change for me by him forcing me out on the streets?

The next question that comes to mind is his Christian belief.  What happened to charity for those in worst shape?  I understand that he cannot pay for everything; food and utilities, money is tight for him.  However, he wasn’t paying for my food ever and when I did have money for rent; he was getting something, even if it wasn’t all the rent.  He saw me busting my ass for my business and knew what happened with the Unibook failure that through me into huge debt at the first of the year.  So what was he thinking?  Why would something change overnight?  If you, the reader have the answer, please let me know.  In the mean time…

Life goes on…I go on.