Romantic Frustration Continues

Over Easter weekend I was out and about helping some friends at a fundraiser.  During this time, I had the pleasure of meeting a person.  I really had not thought much of it simply because we were both busy doing our thing, but it was clear that we had an attraction to each other.  I gave them my business card and a kiss goodbye as I was leaving the bar and let the thought flow to the back of my mind as ‘that was nice.’

The following Monday I received a text from him.  I was surprised and pleased by the gesture.  We started to chat then and continued on to Thursday, when we decided to meet up for a brief time due to their schedule.  It was a fun brief few minutes.  There are a lot of things I like about the person and I could see myself wanting to learn more about them and to grow into something if it’s meant to be.  However, that nagging thought came back to me.  I’m homeless!

That single thought can truly ruin any hopes for romance of any type.  Do I bother to spend the time to get to know them and to develop something, or do I stop it in its tracks.  Sooner or later I will have to tell them and they will act in one of two ways…freak out and disappear as so many have done, or say it’s cool and remain friends, but nothing else.

I can’t blame them for not wanting to get involved with someone who is homeless. After all, it’s not saying much for who they are.  I mean really, how could someone end up homeless, right?  If you have been reading my blog you know how it happened.  And that’s what the real aspect is, it happened and I am homeless.

What is frustrating for me is that I feel I have to cut myself off from friends and possibly romantic interest because of my situation.  When people don’t know what is going on with me, they are pleasant and kind, acting as if I am a normal person.  Don’t get me wrong, there are a hand full of people who are being supportive and I AM Grateful for them.  It does keep my hopes for human kindness alive.  But, there are those who do act differently because I am in my situation.  I get it, I understand.

Thus, the continuing dilemma: Do I say something now and let it end?  Do I keep going without saying anything in the hopes of something developing, which could then fall apart when they do find out?  Do I act normal as if nothing out of the ordinary is happening?  I do my best to be myself as much as I can and I hope they enjoy me for who I am.  In time we will see what happens.

Life goes on…I go on

Romantic Frustration

Being homeless just plain and simply put, SUCKS! For the past few months I have meet a lot of people who have wanted to get to know me on an intimate level and yet I really can't allow that to a point. First off, I don't share with many people that I am homeless, it's not something you really want to brag about. Secondly, as I have mentioned before in these postings, it's not like I can invite someone back to my storage unit for dinner, a romp in the hey, or anything. Thus, I have consciously set up road blocks to keep people at a distance and I hate it. I feel almost like I am lying to people.

SXSW was a perfect example of that. I had meet three people that I found interesting and attractive, and I could not tell any of them what my situation was, other then I had a roommate and the two of us agreed to not bring people home. Thus, for various reasons they couldn't invite me back to their place, so the opportunity to spend time with them and to get to know them was pretty much lost.

After one of them left town, I did send them my blog information and I never heard back from them again. I did try contacting them in general and not about the blog, still no response. Granted that is typical of out of towners, you don't usually develop much more after they leave town, but still, it is frustrating to share that part of your life only to be rejected.

As for the local's, its worst. You can see them on a more regular basis, and I do want to get to know people, but again...that aspect that I can't or don't want to tell them for fear of losing an opportunity to know someone, etc.

There have been rare occasions that I have meet someone and they fully understood my situation and still continue to be friends, and even offered limited help. I am truly grateful for them and I look forward to developing a friendship with.

But as for a love life, a companion of sorts, I am not seeing that and it is frustrating and disappointing!

Life goes on...I go on.

Update & Panhandlers

Howdy;

It’s been a bit since my last posting which is good in a way.  I’m still alive, though I have developed another cough due to chemicals that are in the storage unit building.  I will work feverously to get rid of it as I always do.

The lady I had previously wrote about has not said anything about me to the staff and as I found out from her last week, there are about 3 other people on the property that are also doing the same thing as I am.  What is also interesting is during one of my soup kitchen outings, I overheard a conversation about the same subject.  Apparently, the homeless are sharing information on what locations are the cheapest to rent and the easiest to live in.  That is comforting in one aspect, as they have a place to go to as I do, but extremely sad at the same time.  I know that I am not the first to consider doing this, and I doubt I will be the last, but for this to be happening to so many more is just so wrong.  Facilities are packed solid every night and more and more people are being forced out onto the streets every day.

While the media may promote good economic news right now, the reality is, it will take years of recovery to get people off the streets and back into homes.  For a lot of people, they don’t have years, let alone months or days.

This brings me to another subject that I feel I must say something about; Panhandlers.  While American hearts go out to the homeless, and that is a great thing to have happen, there are too many people who take advantage of that goodness.

Panhandlers are those types of people for the most part that choose not to work, choose not to live in a shelter or some other facility for they know that by standing out on the street corner holding up a sign that indicates their desperate flight, they will make a good chunk of change.  Reports have it from a mere $20 dollars a day up to the hundreds depending on what corner you have and how well you ‘work’ it.

In the mean time, a majority of them will use that money to buy food, drugs and alcohol.  Not one of them will save it and try to use it for something else that may help them get off the streets.  They are content being on the streets and don’t want to change.

The problem with this process is that those people who think they are helping out are really not helping at all.  They are actually allowing for the continuation of a bad habit.  The money that is collected by panhandlers would actually make a world of difference in the community by giving the money to programs that work with the homeless.  Imagine this, in Austin on a given day there are about 40 panhandlers on street corners.  If each one earns $20 per day that is about $800 dollars in one day.  Multiply that out by 365 days that is a total of $292,000 per year.   That is enough money to build a new facility for housing, feed thousands of people, etc.  Money that would go much further if organizations had it then it would for those panhandlers that would immediately spend it on waste or lose it.

So the next time you have the urge to give change to someone on the street, DON’T!  Instead, go home and write out a check to a charity group, even if it is only a $1.00 check.  It all helps those that really need it the most.

Life goes on…I go on.

Wishing you a Wonderful New Year

 2012 is now upon us and depending on who you listen to, 2012 will be our last year of existence as we know it.   The Mayan’s whose calendar system has been the most accurate in history simply says that on December 21, 2012 their calendar cycle ends and a new one begins.  I am leaning towards that line of thought.

Each New Years day begins a year full of opportunity and hope and this one is no different.  We are going through many changes and challenges as seen in 2011.  Do your best to keep fear at bay so you can enjoy all the wonders this New Year will offer you, even when it seems to be your darkest hour.  Allow your hope, faith and love to guide you this year through your journey.

While you may not know where your journey is taking you, know that there is a purpose for the journey and know without a doubt you will be a better person for it.

May you and your loved ones all have a Wonderful Life in 2012.

3 Month's of Homelessness

I am past the three month mark on becoming homeless and it’s been an interesting time for me on many levels.  Overall, I good learning experience and one full of information that I can use in my writings when I finally get a chance to write again.  I’ve meet many interesting people along the way, homeless and not homeless that have taught me a few things as well.

Today, I meet a fellow storage unit renter who lost her home in the Bastrop fires last September.  What she has left is in three storage units here and she is working hard to reduce it down to two units to help save money.  Most of what she has was given to her after the fire through donations; she has very little left of personal items.  I know her feeling of lost as I have been there once before.

The only concern I have is that she ‘believes’ that I am living in my storage unit and she does know that I run the extension cord out my door.  She too wants to do the same so that she can use her PC and try to get her life back on track.  I’m concerned that she will say something or be careless about using the electricity during business hours, the time that I make a point not to.  I just don’t want any additional reason or suspicion to come down on me and my use of the unit.  Right now, I just can’t lose the use of it.  I also can’t deny her the use of what I am using for she too needs it to some extent, though she has a motel room that she is calling home for now that FEMA is paying for.  I wish I had that…lol

All I can do is sit back and watch what happens, and trust that it will all work out for both of us.

Life goes on…I go on

Eyeglasses & Judgement

Recently I was able to get my new eyeglasses and what a challenge that was.  I first had to go through the medical department for a full exam before they would qualify me for the eyewear.  Once qualified, I then had to go through the eye doctor for a prescription, which is always good to do.  Prescriptions should be done at least once a year, especially for my age group.  Up to this point, everything went smooth and pleasant.

Once I had my new prescription, I went to a retailer that was on the approved list for accepting the coupon for glasses.  It was here that things became a bit more troublesome.  The coupon was good for $65.00 worth of eyewear.  Thus, very cheap glasses were all I could get.  Anything over ten dollars I would have to pay for, ok, that sounds fair.  However, it was the additional charges that they didn’t tell you about.  For example, the fact I had to have bifocals added $5.00, and then add in the type of prescription I had was another $10.  If I wanted a warranty, no line bifocals, plastic thinner lenses, etc., it kept adding up.  By the time they were done with all the extras, the glasses would have cost me the same as if I was paying for them myself, over $300.  What was the point of the coupon?

But that was only part of the issue.  It was how I was treated that really bothered me.  I get the fact everyone wants to make money, so the extra charges and hidden fees I understood, though I did not like them.  It was the change in attitude that I got when I showed them my coupon.  From being nice and friendly to cold and rude in the flash of an eyelid.  I was amazed by this clear act of judgment and dislike towards me because I needed some financial help with my eyewear.  It was clear that I did not look, act or smell homeless, so their nice person treatment at first was understandable.  I was a customer that was acting like I wanted to spend money.  But once that coupon was shown, I was no longer that customer but some weird thing.

Now before I go any further, I have said before that I am no saint.  I have made quick judgments on my fellow homeless people now and before I was homeless, it’s a natural state we all go through.  Until I understand why they are homeless, I pull out of my mind a thousand thoughts from past experience.  Maybe that was the case with this one sales person, maybe not.  Regardless, the fact remained that someone, even if it was not me, was paying the bill for some eyewear from her store.  A customer should be treated with respect until they give you a reason not to be and even then it’s best to treat them with respect until they have left your business or space.

I left that day defeated for not getting my glasses. I didn’t have the money to pay for any extras at all.  I choose to come back to the store another day when I would hopefully have the money.  Thankfully, my dad sent me some Christmas money that covered a couple of basics that were necessary to have.  I got my new pair of glasses that were sold to me by a different sales lady who was much more helpful and friendly to me then the first.  A total, I spent $54 on a pair of glasses, while the total bill was over $110.  I’m happy to have a new pair of eyewear, especially since my last pair was over 6 years old.  It’s nice to see things more clearly now.

Life goes on…I go on.

11-23-11 Homeless Update

I turned 51 on Sunday and it was one of my toughest birthdays that I had to experience in a very long time.

I have a very small group of friends who really don’t know when my birthday is and I do prefer it that way.  It’s just another day to me as is Christmas.  A day of celebration that should be celebrated daily and not just on one day.

And yet, for some reason, this birthday seemed to hit me the hardest and I have not completely figured out why.  Maybe it is the fact that I am homeless, or the feeling of failure in how my business is currently situated, or just the fact that I am now over 50.

I’m sure that I will figure it out over time.  Until then, the Holiday season is here and I do intended to enjoy it.

On Tuesday, I joined thousands of others to celebrate Thanksgiving at the annual HEB Fest of Giving.  It was a traditional Thanksgiving dinner and it was enjoyable for what it was.  Live music and other activities also made it festive.  For myself and other homeless people, it was a pleasant event.  For the other thousands who choose to attend for they felt that as a customer of HEB that it was owed to them, they also enjoyed it.

As for Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, I have actually turned down a couple of invitations to dinner so that I may attend a ‘bar dinner’ and bring some treats to go with the evening.  This is something I have been doing for a long time now.  This is one of the aspects of being a homosexual that I do support; other gays and lesbians joining together to enjoy a Holiday because their family and society has kicked them to the curb.  This tradition of a ‘bar dinner’ has gone back for 30 years that I know of and I am sure many more than that.  Too many from the LeTs Bi Gay community are stilled turned away from their family and thus they create a new family that includes people like themselves.  After all, you may be born into a family of people you don’t like, but you are always free to create a family of people you do enjoy.

Happy Thanksgiving to you and may you enjoy your family no matter whom’s a part of it.

Life goes on…I go on.

11-10-11 - Negative Energy

Has I have been dealing with the financial downfall of this year, I have constantly fought with the negative energy that exist.  Most of the time I am able to overcome it with hard work and determination.  However, since becoming homeless I find the struggle to be even harder each day.  In fact, I feel my positive thoughts have dwindled to half of what they had been a month ago.

I believe that a lot of this is related to three items.  #1 – not having access to my PC and the internet as I had when I had a home.  I worked out of my house, so my line of communication was always open to my authors and artist.  I was able to work quickly and efficiently on projects and do marketing on social networks as needed.  That is not the case now.  I am limited to a maximum of 2 hours on a library PC with increments of no more than 1 hour each.  Thus, when I do get on a PC, I don’t have a lot of time to do what is needed.  I tend to miss things, which is not always good.

#2 – the lack of business growth and sales.  The continued stagnation of the bad economy keeps my business at a virtual standstill, which means zilch, nada, no sales.  This at the beginning of the Holiday sales season is not good.  I have books that need to be sold and no money to help promote them.  A vicious cycle that continues to keep me in the hole of negativity.

#3 – People that I am surrounded by are not always positive.  Homeless people in general are so exhausted and torn down by what brought them to their point of homelessness that they give up on life in general.  I understand that and see myself heading in that direction.  Thus the reason for this posting.

I DO NOT want to be one of those angry, negative people who bitch about everything and ultimately become one of those men who have lost their minds and walk the streets talking to themselves who have reached the point of no return.

It is clear that for myself, I must stay positive in all aspects of my life.  I have posted before on here about the value of staying positive and drawing positive energy to one self.  It’s not always easy.  You do have to live life and that means dealing with negative thoughts and energies.  In some cases, such as my current one, the people I am forced to be around are constantly and almost helplessly in a state of negativity.

Yesterday afternoon, I went to get some medical assistance, while waiting in line, a young lady who had been chatting with the other people in line turned to me and asked, “Are you homeless?”  I said yes with no hesitation.  She quickly responded with, “You don’t look homeless.”  I simply said, “That’s my goal.  To not look like I am homeless.”  The young lady gave me a look of confusion and then turned away as she said, “I want to look homeless, ‘cause I am.”

That response of hers was full of negative energy.  She believed that she had to look like she was homeless.  And at the same time, the tone she used indicated that she felt I was being too good or uppity about my experience.

It comes down to being true to yourself.  You may be homeless physically, but spiritually you are not.  You may be physically in a prison of drugs or alcohol, or even of cement and brinks, but spiritually you are not.

So has I deal with the constant borage of negative energy, I have chosen to say a mantra, a prayer, or a simple “Thank you,” for what good is in my life.  To be honest, I probably don’t say it enough.  Thus, I write here and now that I AM THANKFUL for EVERYTHING in my life.  I am grateful for the opportunity to grow, even when I don’t show it!!

Life goes on…I go on.

11-3-11 Positive Thoughts

Yesterday afternoon I was treated to lunch by a friend of mine.  We have met for lunch about every other month for the past year and half.  On most occasions we inspire each other with positive thoughts and discussions.  It was clear that both of us needed to have a good positive conversation yesterday.

Both of us are feeling the weight of the economic crises and our seeming inability to get about it for the past few months.

As we talked about our various projects, issues and love life, we also correlated how the world is staying just as stuck as we are.  Everyone is bombarded by negative talk and news.  It was clear that as it was for us, it was just as important, if not more important to have and do positive things to offset the negative energy.

This concept is nothing new to the Universe.  On a spiritual level it has been taught and demonstrated many times over.  And yet, we seem to continue to struggle with finding that balance that we all so desperately need and want.

By the end of lunch, which as usual lasted three hours, we both had agreed to do a project or two that would get a positive message out to the world about the new cycle of life that the Mayan’s predicted with the end of their calendar.  Actually, the Mayan’s predicted the end of their calendar which too many humans predict is the end of the world as we know it.

Many people are also on the same thought process as my friend and I are that it is not the end of the world, but the end of a way of life that clearly does not serve the best interest of mankind; mainly Greed and Self Absorption.  Thus, we will work on projects that we can create quickly and professionally to get out to as many people as we possibly can; namely books.

There are thousands of people also working on this project, for my friend and I know that the Universe puts out a message for the world, for everyone to hear, and only so many people do actually hear it and do something with it.  This can be in the form of gadgets, stories, movies, etc.  Thus why you see people from around the world working on a similar idea at the same time, and they never spoke to another person about it.  It is the same with this idea, the world needs to know that the old ways must stop and a new way of life must begin, after all, if the old way was working, we wouldn’t been in the mess that we are now, or the fact that we have been in this mess a thousand times before.

Wither the Mayan’s have it right that the world ends, or a new cycle begins, it is clear that all the doom and gloom that does exist, must be offset with positive messages.  It is our hope that we can offer ideas and concepts that show just that.  Is this why the two of us and so many others are going through this time of crisis?  Time will tell.  Stay tune and see what happens in the near future.

Life goes on…I go on.

National Bank Transfer Day - Nov. 5, 2011

 

As you know, B of A backed off from the $5.00 debit card charge they had planned on implementing.  This is due in cause by the young lady who started the petition and by the Occupy movement.  The Occupy movement has been pushing people to take their money out of large banks to show them that they DO NOT control things.  In Austin, I am aware of about $200,000 moved out of B of A and Chase banks.  That's a great start and it needs to go further.  The Banks need to understand that even though they are a business, they are there to work with US not against us, and not to steal from us.

 

I hope you will help support this movement.  Below is some additional information to help you with your decision.

 

Here is web contact for site:   www.occupyaustin.org/bank-action . Will tell you everything you need to know about how to Fire Your Bank and Hire A Credit Union with multiple links to helpful other information.

 

Life goes on...I go on.

 

11-2-11 Create Jobs for the USA

On Nov. 1^st, Starbucks launched its program to help get Americans back to work.  I had posted about it, but forgot to add a link and a pic of my solidarity for the program.  Thus, here is the link to learn more about the program: http://www.createjobsforusa.org/

Here is a pic of myself wearing the bracelet.

Life goes on…I go on.

8-31-11 Love

On Saturday I had the pleasure of attending a Halloween party.  During the event, I was flirted with by many people, as I also flirted.  It was a lot of fun and it was good for my ego.  However, there was one person that I had flirted with previously that said they would call, and had previously mentioned that they were in the middle of mid-terms.  I had posted about this person and another one previously.

Today, I post that I am still confused with some people.  This person was all over me that evening, and we said and did things that were fun.  I, however, was also very clear with what my feelings are for this person, and while they seem to reciprocate, it also seemed later after not hearing from them, that they are all talk and no action.  This really sucks!  We all put ourselves out there at some time, and most of the time, it does not work.  But, why can’t people be honest with themselves and others?

I am at the point that I really can’t date anyone, as I had mentioned before, I can’t really see myself inviting someone back to my storage unit for a sleep over, or dinner.  Plus, the money is not there.  Let’s face it; it’s not cheap to date these days…lol.

But, at the same time, I want to be clear about my feelings, so that if they are interested in some extent, then they will either work with it, or if they are not interested, then say no.  But to act and to say things that lead a person on is just not right.

The other issue is also where I meet people.  Let’s face it; there are not many good healthy places to meet people these days.  Bar’s and friends are about it.  Friends mean well, but they really don’t know you enough to select your future spouse.  Bar’s are about drinking and one night stands more than about meeting your future spouse.  So, you go on with life, and meet people in various places, not sure if you can really flirt with them for you don’t know if they are married, seeing someone, etc.  And then you run into those who want a sexual encounter, but not a romance, that’s another headache all together.

On a spiritual level, yeah, I know, the person that I have chosen to be with will come when we have chosen it to happen.  Until then, I really shouldn’t get frustrated and annoyed, but just enjoy everyone I meet.

Life goes on…I go on.

10-18-11 #2

One thing I have learned over the years is that you can create the life you want on a spiritual/sub conscious level, which will manifest itself on a conscious level.  However, in order to make that happen, you have to be surrounded by those people that will help create that.  Thus, who your friends, family and associates are, will have a direct imp0act on who you and what you become.

So when a Guru says; “Visualize yourself as _________ and you will become it.”  They should also fo0llow it up with; “And draw the people into your life that will help you become it.”

Here is a perfect example.  Someone wants to become a great author, so they work hard at writing various short stories, novels, poems, whatever it is they wish to become great at.

They show their work to their family and friends who out of their wanting to please you, will tell you that it’s good, great, wonderful, etc.  And of course some will even go as far as say, “You should get this published.”  The family and friends don’t mean to miss lead you, they after all, feel that they must be encouraging and helpful that is why they say what they say.  But there kindness, while meant to be good, can actually be damaging as it creates a false sense of pride.

This false sense of pride then leads to trying to get the ‘work’ published and when that fails, the scum of the publishing world known as “Self Publishing” offers you a golden opportunity to get published for a great low price.  It does not matter that the gook is great, adequate or poor.  It’s money to them, either way.  Their business model is set up to make money, no matter what.

This is why there is so much crap out there today and why good writers who will become great with the right encouragement and practice become disillusioned, dis-hearted and give up.

My business plan was designed to be that one company to help unknown authors to become great.

Sadly, I never had the money necessary to make that happen the way I saw it.  Thus, why I am homeless now.

Ok, I got a bit side tracked here.  I wanted to point out how having the right people around you can help or hinder ones success.

While in the example above, the person believed that they had the right people surrounding them, not really knowing that they were the wrong people for the success they wanted to achieve.

What they needed was an outsider who had no emotional connection to the writer, an honest oppio9n of their work and how to improve upon it.  This simple objective oppion may help the writer to actually accomplish their goal; a great piece of work.

This concept is of great value with everything.  Having the right type of support around you that is honest and willing to call a spade a spade and not hide the truth from you.  I wish I had had that help for the business.

It may have not kept me from the current financial situation, but I may have been in a better position to handle this current situation.  It is this thought that brings me to our current Universal situation.

I have always believed that each one of us, no matter what race or country we are from, etc., comes from one essence.  That each of us holds our own destiny, while working with others to create it or not to create it.  Thus, while in our body we may seem as one, separate from the whole, we are not!  We are still part of the whole.  And there in lines our salvation from our own devastation.

Has part of the whole, when we as individuals feel sad, lost confused or even happy, wonderful and energetic, that thought is passed on to others.  We have seen it time and time again through storms, heartache, etc.  We may feel a certain way, but if we surround ourselves with others that feel the same way, we seem to get further down or up depending on the situation.

Currently as a Universal consciousness it seems that as a majority, we are feeling distrustful of politicians, our economy and about our future.  This negative feeling continues to be hammered home through our news stations and most importantly by our friends who are feeling the effect first hand.  Thus, while we constantly want and expect things to get better, they are not because of our perceptions.

We as humans have been worst off then we currently are within the last 100 years alone.  Yet, we forget about that.  We think that this is horrible and the worst ever.  It is NOT!

Hell, even my homelessness may be the worst I have ever gone through in my eyes, but it really is NOT!  Every day I am reminded by many people who don’t know me or my situation that it could be far worst for me or even for themselves.  It is that reminder that helps me stay more positive and reminds me that the end is closer then I know.  It is also that type of reminder that helps me to draw into my life those who want to do and be better then what is currently perceived.

So here is the bottom line.  I get that things on a conscious visual level look horrible.  I am telling you that on a sub conscious level it is GREAT!  And it is that greatness that you show and grow within that will help others as they too begin to accept their Greatness and the worlds Greatness.

There is NO reason that each person cannot have a job if they want one.  Or make a living at want they want to do.  There is no reason that Wealth on so many levels cannot be shared by everyone if the majority wants that.  There is NO reason you cannot reach your Greatness in the way you want to, just shift your thought process and bring those around you that will help you reach that greatness while at the same time helping them reach their greatness.  It may not look or feel smooth or even smell like a rose, but be honest every step of the way and it will happen.  I look forward to seeing you when you arrive at your success.

Life goes on…I go on